The Following is a public service announcement from the Utah Tourism Agency
Welcome to the state of Utah!
You might have just gotten lost on your way to Vegas from Denver, but we don’t think it’s an accident.
You’ll love our world famous postmodern architecture and French cuisine.
Our picturesque mountains and wide-open desert.
We have rocks so red they entirely sway the political leaning of our state
We have so much desert, we make Saudi Arabia look like the Pacific Northwest
Visit the city of Lehi, a quaint little European town famous for their Belgian waffles and crepes
Or take a romantic boat ride down the canals of Orem.
Come on out to the Great Salt Lake and lounge on our fly ridden, rocky beaches. Is that a woman’s hand on your thigh? No, it’s a dead birds spine.
If you like women, well then you’re in luck, because its true you can marry as many as you want, as long as at least one of them is below the age of
18 feet of snow is how much snow we get in Utah and that’s just before thanksgiving. Have back problems, well good luck shoveling.
Visit the bohemian town of Sandy where hippies and crust punks alike decorate the streets with Rembrandt-like graffiti.
Did I say graffiti? I meant to say ads for breast implants!
Did I say hippies? I meant to say people who drive hummers.
Like alcohol? So do we, which is why we made sure you can purchase alcohol at any of our three state-run liquor stores. Besides Sunday they’re open at least 12 hours a week.
We’ve also made sure that you can no longer get daily discounts on liquor or higher than 3.2 alcohol percentage in your beer, because we want everyone to see how great our Wasatch mountain river water makes the beer taste.
Sure, you could go skiing on the mountains or climbing in the desert, but who wants to do that when you could be waiting in line to get your very own nude Republicans calendar signed and autographed by Glenn Beck himself, while he holds a baby, an American flag and a shotgun in the same hand.
Do you like socialism? Liberal politics? You’ll love our progressive legislature, run by some of the most forward thinking individuals since the USSR.
These rich white men always have the best interests of the people in mind, especially the poor.
Do you like shopping centers and strip malls that look exactly like other shopping centers and strip malls halfway across the country
Do you like diversity? Or handguns? Well we only have lots of one of these and I can guarantee you that most people are scared more by one than the other.
Our state symbol is the beehive, because we’re the only state north of Guatemala to have, that’s right, killer bees.
Are you 16 and looking to get married? Come to Utah!
The 24th of July is more of a celebration than the fourth of July, but neither of these are anything compared to the amount of fireworks that’ll shoot off in your head when you discover the T.V. show Touched by an Angel was filmed right here.