So, let’s say hypothetically you’re three weeks away from being married. You have to buy plates at Target, and find give gallon buckets to put the flowers in, and your mom’s pestering you about what kinda of shoes your little brother needs, and your fiancé keeps reminding you that you two are three weeks away from being married so, no, it would not be wise to go see a movie at this moment so, how do you keep your sanity?
The following is a compiled list of essential things one must need, a pre-marital survival kit of sorts.
- First, booze. Lot’s of it. It’s funner to plan weddings while drinking a bottle of wine, and it’s also prudent to be at least slightly hung-over most days so you don’t get too excited or nervous and anxious and think to yourself, “What the hell am I doing!?” If your main concern throughout the day is staying hydrated and getting your headache to go away, you won’t have the energy to think about the biggest day in your life that’s coming up in only twenty days.
- Cigarettes. Don’t smoke? Pick it up. You can quit after three weeks when there’s not a billion things to do every day and you’re having lots and lots of sex and are in need of a healthy cardiovascular system.
- Anti-anxiety meds. Not for you. For her. Slip them into her drink when she’s not looking.
- Make a list of jokes to tell your fiancé and/or the guests who arrive at your wedding in case you forget something crucial, like how you were supposed to pick up chairs the day before. Keep them both laughing so they don’t have to think too much about standing on their feet in the middle of 100 degree August heat in some stranger’s backyard.
- Keep reminding yourself that this is not the biggest deal in the world; you’re only getting married for Christ’s sake.
- Get lots of sleep. Sleep till noon if you can. If your fiancé asks what you’ve been doing all day, tell her you’ve been working on a poem you’re going to read her during the ceremony.
- Think to yourself “WWBMD?” What Would Bob Marley Do? Would he be stressed out? Hell no! He’d be smoking a j on a beach.
- If all else fails, plane tickets to Mexico are cheap this time of year. You can explain later.
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