Marriage is Awesome!

Being married is awesome. You get to go to sleep with someone, wake up with someone. You get to have sex, obviously. You get to watch T.V. shows in bed and wake up and have coffee together. You get to bike to cafes and have bottles of wine at night. It’s pretty nice. I am thoroughly enjoying it.

 

The only hard part for me is learning how to adjust to a new schedule. Since I am basically unemployed, I used to stay up late into the night reading or writing or watching something and drinking bourbon. It didn’t matter what time I stayed up to cause I could mostly sleep in. I mean, I usually would wake up at nine or ten, so I wasn’t too much of a worthless piece of crap. It’s not like I was getting high in my basement room at the Cox’s, eating Doritos, and watching Seinfeld and sleeping in till noon (although that does sound awesome).

 

So now, I wake up at the butt crack of dawn every morning with Cat, because I really would feel like a worthless piece of crap If I stayed in bed while she went off to work to make the big bucks every day (the butt crack of dawn being 7:30).  “Bye honey” I’d mumble while drooling in my pillow, “have fun…job today…work good…mmemme.”I’m sure Cat would be incredibly attracted to it.

 

The other thing getting used to is all of our new kitchen appliances. My friend Mike told me to watch out because I would one day cut the shit out of myself with one of our new knives. I mostly shrugged him off, but last night, I cut the shit out of myself and it was no joke.

 

I was making nachos. The Tillamook cheddar cheese was almost out so I was grating a chunk of cheese probably no bigger than the size of a quarter when all of a sudden, in one fluid motion, a piece of my left thumb went missing. Blood started drizzling down my wrists onto the countertops. I had just grated the top of my thumb like it was a piece of Tillamook cheese! Now there’s something that doesn’t happen every day. Shades of Kilgore Trout.

 

The bleeding didn’t stop for two hours. I started getting lightheaded after hour one and went to bed a little like what I imagine it would be like to go to bed after sucking the tap off a hydrogen balloon tank.

 

But because I was married, there was someone lying down next to me, making sure I didn’t bleed out in my sleep. Marriage is great for so many reasons. 

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