Monthly Archives: December 2012

Day 10: Happy Hobbit Day

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The Twelve Days of Charming

In Which We Bring You Stories Relating to Christmas and/or Coffee and Shamelessly Self-promote Our Company and Goods.

The Story of The One Ring as Told by Someone who Can’t Discern the Difference Between Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter.

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. His name was Bilbo Baggins.
Bilbo had just been asked by Gandalf to go on a quest with the dwarves to the Lonely Mountain when in walked Dumbledore.
“Gandalf!” said Dumbledore. “What are you doing here?”
Gandalf blew a smoke ring.
“I have just given my little friend here an adventure to go on.”
“But I have an adventure that I need Bilbo for.” said Dumbledore.
“Well you can’t have him. I was here first.”
Bilbo glanced back and forth between the two wizards not sure what the Mordor he was supposed to do.
“You don’t understand. The Dark Lord has regained his strength.”
“Which Dark Lord?”
“Psh! Who do you think?”
“Well, there are two dark lords. One is an eye and the other a snake.”
“Oh, of course, I meant the snake one. Do you mind if I steal Bilbo real quick?” asked Dumbledore.
Gandalf furrowed his brow. “Fine, but I fear for the caves into which you will bring this young hobbit friend of ours. He may not come back.”
Bilbo gulped.
“Go on.” said Gandalf.
“Yes!” said Dumbledore. “Bilbo grab my arm.”
“Why?”
“We’re going to apparate.”

The next minute Dumbledore and Bilbo stood in the center of a cold and dank cave.
“What are we doing here?” asked Bilbo.
“There is a creature who lives down here,” said Dumbledore sending a light from the tip of his wand to the top of the cave. “He possesses a very powerful tool that we must find and take. Without it, the Dark Lord will lose much of his strength.”
“Is it a horcrux? Or perhaps a ring?”
“What? No. It’s a Bee House Coffee Dripper.”
“A coffee dripper?”
“Yes. It’s a form of coffee brewing called a ‘pourover.’ The Dwarves and men with beards are super into it.”
“Well, what does it have to do with The Dark Lord?”
“This Bee House Dripper, while producing no inherently magical qualities, makes one of the best cups of coffee you will ever have. The Dark Lord uses it to make his coffee every morning. It gives him the strength he needs to go on taking the world over.”
Dumbledore and Bilbo crept around the slippery rocks and foul smelling pooled water.
“It’s close.” said Dumbledore. “I can smell the aromatics of it.”

As they crept around a large boulder that looked like a dementor, they saw him. The creature Gollum with a Hario Kettle and a Bee House Dripper making Charming Beard Coffee. He was wearing suspenders, a knit cap, and sporting a handlebar mustache.

“What does it wants with us?” asked Gollum. “They wants our precious. That’s what they wants with us.”
Dumbledore moved quick. “Acio Bee House Dripper!” And the dripper flew out of Gollum’s reach and into the hands of Dumbledore.
“Quick!” said Dumbledore. Bilbo grabbed his hand and they apparated back to the Shire.
“No! It tricks us!” screamed Gollum. “My precious!”

The next morning, after Voldemort yawned loudly and slapped his cheeks a couple time to get his evil grin going, he went into the kitchen to make himself a pour-over. He ground some Charming Beard Coffee (it wasn’t particularly evil, but it was damn good coffee), but as he went to summon the dripper he couldn’t do it. In a flash he realized what ha happened. His precious was stolen.

It took him two boxes of tissues and a dozen donuts to cure his depressed spirit that morning. He didn’t even know if it was worth it to keep doing evil. Not without his morning coffee anyways.

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Day 9: The Twelve Days of Charming

The Twelve Days of Charming

 

In Which We Bring You Stories Relating to Christmas and/or Coffee and Shamelessly Self-promote Our Company and Goods.

 

Day 10:

 

Do you like canning? Or embalming tiny octopuses in formaldehyde? Well then, have we got the gift for you.

 

Presenting: Drum roll please, bah da bah da—the ever so sleek and modern glassware from Weck Jars. (Never mind about the drum roll, it didn’t quite work). Weck Glass jars are a perfect way to store your goods with the same air tight technology aeroplanes use to keep passengers safe inside. AND, you can look at it, because it’s made of, well, glass.

 

They’re perfect for canning tomatoes or toes or keeping your Steel Cut oats nice and fresh. Also, coffee. They are excellent storage containers for keeping coffee fresh. Why? You might ask, my dear Watson. Well because of the whole airtight thing. It keeps the coffee just a tad bit fresher than a bag that’s been opened. Only one thing to be aware of though—it is a good idea to keep the glass Weck Jar in a cupboard or a pantry or in a somewhat dark place so you are not exposing the coffee to a ton of sunlight. Coffee originates from the Pacific Northwest and it is not used to sun the way people from California are. It’s back tends to get as red as a lobster.

 

So if you have the money and feel like being a good American consumer (and supporting small business) check our the Weck Jars on our website (they come with coffee). 

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The Twelve Days of Charming

The Twelve Days of Charming

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In Which We Bring You Stories Relating to Christmas and/or Coffee and Shamelessly Self-promote Our Company and Goods.

 

 

Day 12

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me, the Charming Beard Holiday Basket Which Includes a Bag of Charming Beard Coffee, Uganda Coffee in a Weck Jar, and Amour Spreads’ Blackberry Jam, and also, a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

 

 

“Do you realize that Christmas is only twelve days away?” asked Justin.

“Shut up!” said Jamie, brushing her long black hair over the nape of her smooth and nearly translucent neck. “I haven’t got any of family Christmas presents!”

 She kept brushing. Jamie had always loved her black hair. It contrasted nicely against her extremely pale and lucid skin. For years she had been ashamed of how pale she was. Part albino, kids used to tease her. But now she saw it as a sign of beauty, like a Snow White sort of beauty. And the other kids in her high school were beginning to think about her like this as well.

“I know.” said Justin. “Me either.”

Justin was gazing intently at Jamie. Ever since they shared a chemistry class in the tenth grade at Fillmore High last year, Justin had wanted to be Jamie’s boyfriend. He felt extremely lucky to be sitting here, next to her, on her pink and white bed. He was going to propose that they go Christmas shopping this weekend. While they were Christmas shopping perhaps they would hold hands. Or go out to dinner afterwards.

“I don’t even know what to get for everyone,” said Jamie.

“I know. Well, maybe…you know, you and I could go to the mall this weekend. Do our Christmas shopping together,” Justin smiled desperately.

“Hmmm.” Said Jamie. “Yeah, that could be fun, it’s just…”

“What?”

“Well, I just get tired of buying the same old trinkets for everyone. It’s all just crap made in China and everyone goes shopping at Wal-Mart and Barnes and Noble and nothing is ever original.”

Justin gulped inside. This was not sounding good.

“So you don’t want to go to the mall?”

“Not really.” Said Jamie, getting a sour look on her face.

All of a sudden, Justin leapt up in the air.

“Wait! I know the perfect Christmas gift.”

“What?”

“My older brother’s friend runs a coffee roasting company and they have a holiday gift basket for sale!”

Jamie’s eyes brightened.

“It’s all local and they’re pairing it with a Blackberry Jam from a company called Amour Spreads.”

“That sounds too good to be true!” said Jamie.

“No! It isn’t.”

 “My parents love coffee! And they’re total snobs. But wait, is it good.”

“Good? It’s specialty, ethically traded, single origin coffee that’s not over roasted or burnt. In the future, they will have been called the “Best New Roaster of the Mountain West,” by the New York Times

“Well terrific.”

“I can call my brother’s friend now! How many should we get?”

“Let’s see, four maybe. This sounds so great I think all my family will want some.” 

“Ill go call.” Justin went outside.

After he made the order he went back in.

“You’re so great.” Said Jamie, gazing at Justin with a sparkle in her eye.

Justin went to go sit by her.

And then, she kissed him.